


Trouble Breathing

by ithilien22



Category: As the World Turns
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-04-16
Updated: 2008-04-16
Packaged: 2017-12-21 04:44:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/895936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ithilien22/pseuds/ithilien22
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Six months after Luke and Noah break up, Luke is still trying to find the right words, and Noah finally realizes he’s had them all along.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trouble Breathing

1.

Luke has always prided himself on having a particular way with words, on having the gift of being able to find exactly the right ones to express how he’s feeling at any given moment. But now, for the first time in his life, words have failed him. Noah stands in front of him, looking so earnest, begging him to understand, and Luke has absolutely no idea what to say. 

So in the end, he says nothing.

 

2.

For the first few months, Noah calls almost daily. He talks into the machine until it cuts him off and then calls back an hour later to do the same. At first, he tries to explain, begs for Luke to call him. After a few weeks, he switches to just talking, telling Luke about his day, all the things he would say to him if Luke were still a part of his life. One day, someone actually picks up after the second ring, and Noah’s heart skips a beat.

Holden politely asks him to stop calling.

 

3.

It’s September when Noah accidentally bumps into Luke outside of Java, causing the books they’re carrying to scatter across the ground. He doesn’t even register who it is until their hands accidentally meet while trying to pick up the same book. Just for a second, it’s as if they’re right back there, reliving that first spark between them. Luke looks up at Noah – their faces only inches apart – and for one desperate moment, Noah almost thinks that Luke might kiss him. But instead Luke simply grabs the rest of his books and brushes past Noah as quickly as possible. It’s as he watches Luke disappear down the street that something inside Noah finally breaks.

When he eventually makes it back to the apartment several hours later, Ameera immediately rushes to his side, her features etched with concern. Before she can ask him what’s wrong, he pushes past her and heads straight for the bathroom. She rubs his back soothingly as he retches into the toilet, but her presence only causes his stomach to churn even more violently.

He doesn’t ask her to leave.

 

4.

On Tuesday, Luke realizes that he has the wrong history book. He doesn’t need to read the name on the inside of the cover to know what must have happened. He makes it halfway to Noah’s apartment three different times before he gives up.

He borrows the correct book from another student.

 

5.

One night in early October, Noah gets drunk. Ameera is out studying with a friend, and Noah is left alone for the first night in a long time. He finds the gin that he hid in the back of the coat closet and decides not to even bother with a glass. He drinks nearly half the bottle by himself, sitting alone in the parlor. After a while, he notices Luke’s history book sitting on the shelf, and he imagines that it’s taunting him somehow, calling him a coward. He grabs it and throws it across the room so hard that the paint on the wall chips slightly where it hits. He runs a hand through his hair and takes a deep breath, then walks over to retrieve it. 

Later, he sits in his car for half an hour – Luke’s book lying on the seat next to him – but he never turns the ignition. Ameera comes home a little while after that and finds that something is burning in the fireplace and that Noah has fallen asleep on the couch.

Noah’s face is still streaked with tears.

 

6.

In November, a guy from Luke’s writing seminar asks him out for dinner. Luke opens his mouth to say yes, but no sound comes out. The guy’s smile falters. After a moment, when Luke still hasn’t said anything, he mumbles an apology and takes off. Luke watches him go and wishes he could remember how to scream.

He drives out to the farm, thinking he’ll take a walk around the pond to clear his thoughts. But when he reaches Snyder pond, someone is already there. Noah turns at the approaching footsteps and eyes Luke warily. Luke feels frozen.

“I didn’t think you’d be here,” Noah offers, after the silence stretches between them.

Luke manages to shrug his shoulders. He takes a few small steps towards the pond, towards Noah.

“I got drunk and torched your history book,” Noah confesses, when the silence becomes too much for him again. 

Of course, Luke says nothing. Noah takes a deep breath lowers himself down onto the grass. After a few minutes, Luke sits down next to him. He pulls up a blade of grass and begins to shred it. Neither speaks for a long time.

“The thing is, sometimes I wake up in the morning and I can’t breathe, like all the air has been sucked out of the room,” Noah says finally, his voice soft. “I’ve been trying so hard to move on, to live my life without you in it. But I just…I belong with you, _to_ you. I can’t…”

He trails off, picking at the stems of grass again. 

“You always know exactly what to say,” he tries again, a subtle frustration creeping into his voice. “But I feel like I just grope around blindly, trying not to sound like a fool. All these months, I kept trying to think of what I could say that would…I don’t know, fix things? Make it right somehow? But there’s nothing that I can say that doesn’t sound completely…” he stops again, shaking his head slightly. 

“So I just…sometimes when you’re not around, I forget how to breathe. I don’t know what else to say.”

The wind picks up a little bit, and Noah wraps his arms around himself to fight the chill. He closes his eyes. He feels stupid for coming here.

“I know what you mean,” Luke says. 

It’s the first words he’s spoken to Noah in one hundred and eighty-six days. Not that Noah’s been counting.

Noah opens his eyes slowly and turns to look at Luke. Before he can stop himself, he grabs at Luke’s polo and pulls, crashing their mouths together. Luke responds immediately, as if trying to put everything he couldn’t say these past six months into a single kiss. He clutches at Noah like he’s afraid to let go. When they break apart, Noah keeps his forehead pressed against Luke’s.

“I love you,” Noah whispers, his voice breaking slightly.

And maybe for the first time, Luke really believes him.


End file.
